Arguments, Emotions and Intimate Relationships
Working towards a new way of understanding your partner by taking a dive underneath anger and arguments.
We have all been there. Perhaps you are tired and hungry or simply at your wit's end. Your partner enters the scene in the same mood. An argument feels inevitable. Something as minor as Who did the laundry last or why didn’t you buy milk when you were at the store last? Can set you both off. Both parties get entrenched in their opinions with both believing they are right. Soon you are feeling hot and in a rush of blood, you say something harmful or just plain mean.
Certainly, this has happened to me. Irritation over having moved to Finland, loss of job prospects or difficulty learning the language has put me in a bad mood. Instead of processing this in an accessible way with my partner, I have lashed out over something minor. I have been short-tempered, blaming her for my plight. Raw emotions come out explosively and at times feel scary. Think shouting and yelling here. Arguments can get out of control leaving both people feeling hurt and misunderstood. This is exhausting.
The good news is that it's possible to create a new way forward. By creating space to come together as a couple in a safe and non-judgemental environment feelings and wounds related to the argument can be explored. Feelings are often what lay on the surface of an argument while wounds lay deeper and are at the root of one's argument. My experience tells me that both parties need to get the chance to share their raw feelings. A good couples counsellor should set a non-judgemental stage which allows the couple to feel safe and have the opportunity to share equally.
Afterwards, the challenging work of exploring the wounds at the root of the argument begins. My experience tells me this exploration can be both challenging and rewarding. Time should be taken to delicately unravel childhood family dynamics, previous intimate relationships, and past pains of the current relationship to offer the couple the opportunity to understand each other at a deeper level. For example, difficult experiences such as the legacy of infidelity, divorce or abuse can be carefully worked through. Or the way you witnessed your parents interacting and the manner you were treated in the family can be shared. Essential is giving each person the opportunity to share deeply and be metaphorically (or sometimes physically) held and supported by their partner.
In my case saying: When I am forced to ask you to translate Finnish documents that come in the mail, I feel weak and embarrassed offered relief. It helped me understand why I was so agitated and also allowed my partner to support me in the way I truly needed.
This process is simultaneously difficult and incredibly rewarding. Imagine the opportunity to unearth and share with your partner the reasons behind your most precious and endearing qualities. Imagine the opportunity to hear and emotionally feel your partners' childhood experiences and how they shape who they are. Put simply there is no bigger gift you can give your relationship than exploring these experiences. That's because when we understand what affects our partner at its root, we can support them and be supported by them to a much deeper level. You become truly in sync with each other.
If you are interested in working through tough elements of your relationship and forming a deeper bond with your partner, feel free to reach out. During the month of September, Clarity Therapy Helsinki is offering half-price couples counselling.
Photo Credit: Ketut Subiyanto
